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Friday, November 26, 2021  

A GLITCH IN TIMEPublished 6/2/2004

Time…It’s a funny thing. We get caught up in that four-letter word that we call time. We plan our days around it, try to capture it only to lose track of it. We find time, and once we do, we run out of it. We never seem to have enough of it and it keeps passing us by….time and time again. When we have attempted all of the time consuming subjects above, we realize that we have no control over it, knowing that time has taken its toll upon us. We learn the meaning of the word aging.

Aging: Changing with time

The process of changing with time, especially during the later part of life.

When we are young, we can’t wait to grow up, becoming older. When we are old, we wish we were young again. We are caught in the middle finding ourselves turning into our mothers, doing the same things and quoting the same powerful words that were spoken to us. Beware; you will become your mother!

Myself? I am a forty something, uh…forty something year old woman. I am yet to figure out what the big deal is about aging. As a typical female, I am suppose to be going through some sort of mid life crisis that consists of hot flashes, mood swings, headaches and any other body malfunctions that are vowed to appear. For all of you women that have had any or all of these symptoms, I send my deepest sympathy.

Hot flashes? My body temperature gauge must be out of commission because I am usually cold. Mood swings? Perhaps, a comeback of the mood ring from the 70’s would prove profitable. It was a huge success on determining my mood on several of my dates in high school. The beaus were none the wiser. Headaches? The "no, not tonight dear, I’ve got a headache" excuse doesn’t exist for me.

I assume that I have reached what is considered to be on or about the middle of my life. Let’s take the number…47, as in 47 years old. Subtract 2 years for exercise and body toning, 3 years for not smoking, 2 years for keeping that youthful skin by applying sunscreen SPF 15 when in the sun’s rays. Subtract another 2 years for covering the gray hair (only your hairdresser knows for sure) 3 years for good, clean livin’ and being a happy-go-lucky person and 2 years for age defying, wrinkle free, non-smudge make-up. Give or take a few pounds, age spots and varicose veins (try to look on the bright side). Add all of these together and subtract from 47. Tah-dah…Actually, I am the equivalence of a 32 year-old woman. Not bad huh? On the other hand, if measuring in dog years, I would be dead.

We have all heard the phrase, "You’re as young as you feel" as we strive for bits of perfection, looking for the mighty fountain of youth (Where is this fountain anyway?) where we are suppose to get some magic potion to erase all unwanted years. I am a baby boomer (one of the many people born in the year1946-1964) and my generation continues to search high and low (I am only 5’2") for the magical cure for aging. We fold, spindle and mutilate our bodies (OUCH!) trying to battle time when there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING that we can do to slow down the aging process.

Gravity takes over as the years roll by as our body parts take residence in different regions throughout. We make fashion statements that scream…NO MORE HORIZONAL STRIPES! We diet and exercise to the video Sweatin’ to the Oldies as we try to shed those extra pounds in hopes of taking the shape of a sexy goddess. Noises escape from our bodies when we least expect it and sounds of snap, crackle and pop are heard (no, it’s not the three little men on the cereal box). New prescriptions are written for some ailments that we didn’t know existed. Wrinkle lines begin to form around our eyes and a matching pattern around our mouth until we appear to have a permanent pucker. Chins are doubled. Bifocals are worn. Trifocals are worn. Our bodies are WORN! Oh, the life of an aging woman. Ahhh, the agony of defeat!

Okay, Samantha, come twitch your nose and change me into a beauty queen! On second thought, a Victoria’s Secret model will be fine. (While you’re at it, go ahead and add a few inches to my height) and could you make that before midnight? My Prince Charming is waiting!

I can honestly say that I have become quite mellow in my forty something year old age bracket and will continue to wait for a sign that tells me that I have reached that awkward point in my life known as the mid life crisis syndrome. Until then, I will enjoy being the person that I am. I will enjoy living my life with a young attitude (mind over matter) even though my children think of me as an ancient fossil. Hey, they will be ME before long anyway.

I am a forty something, uh…forty something year old woman. I am yet to figure out what the big deal is about aging. Until then, I will be on the look out for the mid life crisis symptoms that are suppose to happen. Time will tell.v

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