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Wednesday, November 13, 2019  

Is It Morning Yet?Published 6/23/2009

Bad night, busy day, turkey for supper. Lots of it. So you know what I did. I stretched out to "read." Oh, I knew what was going to happen, but I did it anyway. I figured I would read for real for ten or fifteen minutes and then doze for an hour and then get up for a couple of hours and then go to bed for real. But my anticipated hour long nap turned out to be three and half hours long. I slept long enough to have a whole big dream (and if dreams really do come true I will be buying a gigantic log cabin and renting out rooms soon.)
I slept so long that it got dark while I slept. When I woke up I thought it was morning and stumbled out to make coffee. At first I couldn’t figure out why everybody was up, watching tv and eating ice cream. I’m usually the only one in the house that likes ice cream for breakfast. Then I realized. It was still yesterday. I turned right around, eyes at half mast, and hurried back to bed. But it was too late. I was awake. Until tomorrow when I will be very, very sleepy all day long.
I blame the snoring. If it wasn’t for the hellacious snoring all night every night, I wouldn’t need a nap. Oh no, folks. I will not tell a lie. It’s not Long Suffering Husband keeping me up nights. Quite the opposite. He has a dainty, girlish little wheeze now and then. For a great big ol’ Oklahoma boy he sleeps surprisingly like a Disney Princess. It is me that sounds like an Ice Road Truck trying to make the grade in first gear. All night every night.
And it’s wearing me down. And I’m a nurse. So you know I’m thinking sleep study. And CPAP. And the problem with that is that while I joke around a lot about being a little old lady, I am not one. Not quite yet. So after I have snorted myself awake for the 10,000th time each night I try to sort the whole thing out in my mind.
I imagine going to the doctor secretly. Then sneaking the machine into the house,  waiting patiently for Long Suffering to fall asleep each night and then hooking myself up. Because while I occasionally go long stretches without shaving my legs and sleep in XXL t-shirts and boxers I have not given up my romantic notions entirely.
I still brush my teeth every night and hope for the best. I will admit that bristly legs are not all that attractive, but how much less attractive is the CPAP going to be? It’s a conundrum. Go to bed looking like Barbar the Elephant or continue on the way things are risking exhaustion and heart disease and who knows what else. A tragic and untimely death versus yet another blow to my poor abused vanity.
Don’t think for a minute that I’m just being a typical nurse and jumping straight to the brain surgery conclusion when what is needed is an aspirin. I have tried every snore remedy known to man.
I have slept flat and slept on a pile of pillows so high I worried about nose bleeds and altitude sickness. I have tried strips, sprays, pills, drops and this little V shaped bendy thing that’s supposed to hold your nostrils open.
I bought a very pricey mouth piece. It was wonderful. When I put it in I had an airway the size of the Holland Tunnel. Bliss! It had advantages and disadvantages. The major drawback was that it made my jaw ache and so the minute I fell asleep I would take it out and throw it across the room.
The other thing was that I couldn’t talk or kiss in it. So my family got TONS of entertainment asking me question after question and wanting just one more kiss good night, so that I would have to try to plop the thing out, make nice for a minute, wait for them to go away, jam it back in, and then there they’d be again asking something else. I have told you before they can be cruel.
So, it’s worrisome. As it turns out, though, I will have plenty of time to think about it tonight. Hours and hours. That’s the downside. The upside is there’s a brand new half gallon of ice cream in the freezer. And I know where we keep the spoons.

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